Wisdom from my life

★ A day in March
You do not need a reason to say no to something. You don't need one for yourself and you don't need one for the world. This is the boldness required, and it will be required.

Few will tell you how to live in peace because few know. Life is extraordinarily simple. I think we have a hard time with how simple it is. We create problems left and right as if to have a piece of grass to chew on. We create stories to react to, to justify doing things that don’t feel good to us. And that brings me to the entire point— feeling. You were likely trained to override your internal feeling system. Popularity dynamics and being graded on performance didn’t feel good to you as a child. The way your dad didn’t care about your joy didn’t feel good to you. The relentlessness of the summer sun at summer camp at high noon didn’t feel good to you. The way the doctor touched you didn’t feel good to you. The way your friends lied to each other and talked behind backs didn’t feel good to you. Your teacher telling you to temper your expectations of yourself because you weren’t the highest achieving student didn’t feel good to you. But were you allowed to do something that felt better? Did your life allow you to sit in the shade when it was too hot or were you forced to get a migraine playing a sport you didn’t even like in the blistering heat? Were you allowed to wear the shirt your mom said was ugly and still have her respect? Were you allowed to express yourself through dance instead of math? Were you allowed to express yourself through sewing instead of kickball? Was there space in your life for you to choose different friends, or would have that meant you were alienated? Were you trusted when you knew there was nothing wrong with your body or were you made to let a doctor stick his hand up your vagina just to tell you there was nothing wrong with you? Were you encouraged to not go to college when you had a better idea? No. Likely not. And for each of us the degrees of control that were enforced on us vary. Some were abused. Some neglected. Some supported. But most exposed to a world that forced them to override their internal feeling system to survive within it. If you were like me, you were determined to thrive anyway. That meant total self-upheaval. So, what did you do? You compensated. If you weren’t going to be mirrored in your sovereignty as a young person, you were going to extend past yourself to prove what you were. Your body said “stop” and the lack of room to let your wild heart illuminate your world with energy and love forced you to keep going. Your body said “explore this” and you were forced to monitor your every instinct against the social norms of your environment, evaluating every move… would it upset mom? would it make me more lovable to dad? would it make me money? would it finally show my peers I’m worth being included? would it make me skinny so my 6th grade math teacher would comment on how beautiful I am so I can feel recognized by someone who didn’t have access to me? would it make my family jealous and ensue their judgement? would it get me a boyfriend? would it keep my boyfriend? would it show my boyfriend he could trust me? would it show my boyfriend he can stop calling me a sadist anytime I want to express my dearest love and affection for his beautiful soul and body without monitoring myself? would it get my manager to stop hitting on me? would it get my manager to finally do what he promised he’d do? would it keep the stalkers away? does it get me follows on IG? do people get me? do I even exist if no one cares where I am? do I exist if I feel no meaning in a day? am I good if I want love? what am I saying with my life?

Indeed. You were never meant to live under surveillance. Your body has an internal feeling system that is your map to freedom. No mental framework will ever override it. Even this text can only catch the reverberations of feeling bouncing off thousands of surfaces in a hall… There is only one question to ask yourself if you want to live a peaceful life. Does this feel good? For clarity’s sake, I don’t mean greedily good, like the spike of adrenaline and laughter you feel when you quickly win a game of rummy and your match feels surprised. Good, like… muscles relax. Lungs feel more air. Think about dry, crisp mountain air at nightfall after a warm day. Think about a glass of water when you’re parched. What it would’ve felt like to hear Nina Simone live. Good.

There’s a lot of talk of ego and identity these days. Shadows. Golden or not. The unconscious. What bullshit. It’s useless to me. I think we’re more simple. If you try to make the unconscious conscious you are just revealing where you war. If you spend your life fighting an ego or trying to dismantle an identity through thought and examination you are just creating more chaos. All the while, your body doesn’t know what an ego is. Your body doesn’t care. Your body doesn’t need to monitor what energy is healing or evil. Spirituality is performative and I think, wildly out of hand. Your body is your temple. The earth is your body.

This is not complicated. The experiences of your life will tell you it is. You will be in the habit of negotiating with your feelings. But, your feelings are never wrong. You can’t miss. You are your north star. You are the only point of reference for your life. If you have lived a life like me, you will have been decades into a habit of overriding your body for the sake of proving your existence. So, let’s go over more examples of what feeling good isn’t. Feeling good in the way I’ve been writing about it is not: eating a delicious donut only to feel bloated after. Making up with your partner only to feel the pressure to prove yourself again to them tomorrow. Telling someone what they want to hear so you don’t have to say what you really feel. Making a lot of money only to then fear if you’ll use it well. Making money so you don’t have to feel what you feel inside about your life. Doing what everyone told you you’re good at, maybe even genius at, to get praise or money even when your gut isn’t in it, or your heart feels burdened by visibility. Doing something to say you did, no matter how morally radiant. Doing something because “its the way of the times,” “the cats out of the bag and this is the way,” etc.

In short: if you have to override your internal feeling of ease, even if it’s slight, you’re creating more chaos in your body, and your body is your world. This isn’t bad. None of this is bad. It’s whatever you want to feel. This is a commentary on living with peace and freedom. If that’s not your jam, the path of proving and coping with proving remains entirely available to you. There is no judgement, nor pretending that proving and coping isn't happening if you aren’t listening to your body. All is fair, all is welcomed, all are loved. Really, only you know the truth. Only your body knows, and that is the essence of this writing.

Let’s reiterate. There are no mental gymnastics required to know what is right for you. There is no framework, no book, no therapist. I mean it. You are not required to spend a dime. If you want to go for a swim, swim. If you want to tell someone you love them, tell them. If you want to delete your social media, delete it. I mean— if an action creates more room for you to breathe fuller and calmer, do it. Do whatever it is. Yes, it’s that simple. If quitting your job feels stabilizing, quit your job. The hardest part of all of this is learning what feeling good actually is: it will never come along with a story about who you are.

The beauty of honoring your internal compass is you will watch yourself being the person you’ve been working all your life to be. And I don’t mean you’ll become them. I mean you’ll recognize that you are what you are. Already. In full. No effort required. You will naturally radiate your love. You will naturally know where to step, where to soften, where to be bold, where to speak, where to not speak, where to build muscle, where to rest. Because there is no knowing of these things. There is no controlling of these things. There’s no narration of these things. This is effortless. This is being what you are. This is the antithesis of what we’re taught is available to us by being required to “function.” You’re there. Your body knows.

I’ll say that if you choose to start living this way, at first you are going to have to either walk away from or be left by the dearest things to you. Your treasures you’ve protected like the sweet magpie you are. Often… your partner. Your job. Your place in other people’s worlds. Your home. Your possessions. And always— the story you’ve told yourself about yourself your entire life. You’ve built a career on being that thing. Its over. Welcome.