Ambivalence is.
I woke up at 5am buzzing with “what is good for me? is it this?” as if there were one answer. My mind paced across the room with its crude bedside manner. My hopeless body tossed in bed. 6am. 7am. I sit by the window. New York. It’s my grungy, lonely, absolutely cruel and auspicious home. I hate it and I love it, just like music. Just like myself, really.
Polarity… potential for balance? Sleeping at night?
I’ve always prided myself on knowing what I want. What I fail to estimate is how much I don’t want it. What do we do with the voice who deviates from those of our passionate wishes? Opting blindly for one denies the other. I’ve watched myself garner concern for wholeheartedness, omitting the responsibility to know my ambivalence and to admit I have ambivalence towards nearly everything. Personality type, or are we all this way, whether we deny it or not? Could there be guidance in contradiction, should we dare to look? Personally, I’ve exhausted many other methods and this seems like a valid road to venture.